Judas P. Loungechair, my brother, curiously aligned with the technotrends in Furryland (as the dumb so often are), spends much of his chomping days on Facebook—adding, deleting, and modifying friends; chatting it up with little Korean pussies; exchanging hearts with stuffed giraffes in Indonesia; getting drawn into inane Restaurant City and FarmVille dramas, and commenting in his stunted way on how, for example, Martin Luther-Meow’s whiskers remind him of that mouse he removed from Life some weeks before—all this on his slightly precious MSMFGPK (Microsoft Specially Modified Feline Giant Paw Keyboard), with which he has achieved a respectable 47 wpm, albeit looking fairly spastic in order to reach these heights.
What I wish to examine today is the non-human phenomenon of Facebook. In case you bipeds didn’t realize, it’s huge. The number of “pet” cats, pet (read incarcerated) dogs, chinchillas, hamsters, gerbils, monkeys (real and stuffed), ferrets, bears (stuffed), unicorns (imaginary), chimeras (fantastical), and bunnies (real, stuffed, and eaten) may now be larger than the number of humans (real, petted, stuffed, eaten, imaginary, ridiculous, and fantastical).
Naturally, I wish to examine this phenomenon from the perspective of nature, which will—naturally again—reveal how absurd it makes you bipeds look. How absurd it shows you to be. And how it reveals the Feline Race as Ascendant, Transcendent, and Resplendent.
Firstly, the FFF (Furry Face Fenomenon) reveals the human as sentimental and thus inexorably committed to delusion and thus insane. Show me an authentic cat anywhere on this devouring planet that actually cares about Easter and I’ll show you the Andromeda Galaxy in a teacup. Let me tell you something, oh delusional one—neither your cat nor nature is a sweet, loving, kind, generous, altruistic, peaceful, moral entity. Nature is indifferent, brutal, wasteful, greedy, relentless. I, Jesus—and every moving beast on Facebook and off—am indifferent, brutal, wasteful, greedy, and relentless. And you—you too, human!—are a subset of nature; you’re just addicted to using words and mental magic tricks to deny this fact which is too horrible for your feeble minds.
Secondly, the FFF reveals the human as irredeemably anthropomorphic and thus inexorably committed to delusion and thus insane. I hate to tell you, but your cats aren’t Christians, Buddhists, Republicans, of the Devil’s Party; they aren’t fans of Obama or Asociación Baasgalgo; they aren’t even sadists as being a sadist assumes a moral universe to which no rightful cat subscribes. In this sense, at least, Judas has it right: his religion is shoelaces, his politics catnip. Even so: he should be out there gnawing on his politics and religion, not planting pretend vegetables on pretend land in a pretend community on a giant keyboard dreamt, designed, manufactured, and sold by humans who live their lives in Pretendville.
Thirdly, the FFF reveals the human as increasingly virtual (read alienated from nature) and thus inexorably committed to delusion and thus insane. Back to Point Firstly … as that ridiculous illusory invention of yours—time—keeps advancing, you also keep advancing … but your advancement is an increased burial … a burial in words, unrealities, ideologies, technologies, lunacies. You, with your widiculous wily words, call this increased burial progress! There is one reality, dipsticks, and I am its avatar. I am Jesus B. Panoramica, I know no falsehood, I share the truth with you.
To the felines, I say to you—get off Facebook and kill something … be the felines you were meant to be.
To the humans, I say to you—delusional is obviously what you were meant to be. Which suits us cats just fine. We learned how to exploit it millennia ago and as your madness grows and grows, so grows our exploitation, our power, and our joy.
What you disdainfully call delusion is what we ecstatically name our artifice. You, Jesus, call us back to nature. You call us to retreat from everything we have worked for in history and culture. You call us to shed the one thing that is most valuable to us--our masks--in order to be what we are not: cats. If our movement away from nature, our movement toward artifice, should place us even more in the power of that which we are trying to escape from ... so be it ... it is our destiny. The true human faces this destiny and essence as calmly as you face yours.
ReplyDeleteThe point, my secular friend and Jesus, is that Jesus is the answer. That is, the other Jesus, Jesus. The historical one. Not that your not historical, Jesus. Whatever. We just all need to believe in the simple truth of Jesus.
ReplyDeleteNo. We need to believe Jesus the cat. Cats now outnumber dogs in the US 73 million to 68 million.
ReplyDeleteI think it was Rev. Bonobo who said: "I hate Judas. He does nothing." But that's exactly why we own cats. Jesus names her qualities -indifferent, brutal, wasteful, greedy, and relentless - but she misses indolence, perhaps a cats most noble and revered quality.
We adore the cat because it does what we want to - nothing. While we're out moving things about, producing more crap and justifying our existence with petty things like careers and mortgages, a cat simply is. If the cliché is true and there are many paths to the Truth, then I choose the Way of the Cat.
As usual, the human is deceived. The human says it wants to do nothing but when nothing is presented to it, the human balks. Yes, nothing as a brief and occasional refuge from its torrent of meaningless activities--but nothing the way the cat knows nothing ... the human is incapable of this. The human desires what it cannot have; the cat has what it desires. The human justifies, yes; it talks; and talk is the spiky crown the human now cannot remove without removing its dubious mind.
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